Your ambition and your failed dreams are hurting your child!
Photo copyright Suresh Gundappa 2006
Parents cannot help it, because they have ideas, ambitions, desires — unfulfilled. They want to fulfill them, they want to go on living through their children. Naturally, they prune, they cut, they mould, they give a pattern to the children. And the children are destroyed.
If you really love the child, you will not give your ideas to the child. Love never gives any ideas, never any ideology. Love gives freedom. You will not mould. If your child wants to become a musician, you will not try to distract him. And you know perfectly well that being a musician is not the right kind of job to be in, that he will be poor, that he will never become very rich, that he will never become a Henry Ford. Or the child wants to be a poet and you know he will remain a beggar. You know it! but you accept it because you respect the child.
Love is always respectful. Love is reverence. You respect! because if this is God’s desire to be fulfilled through the child, then let it be so. You don’t interfere, you don’t come in the way. You don’t say, “This is not right. I know life more, I have lived life — you are just ignorant of life and its experiences. I know what money means. Poetry is not going to give you money. Become a politician, rather! or at least become an engineer or a doctor.” And the child wants to become a woodcutter, or the child wants to become a cobbler, or the child simply wants to become a vagabond, and he wants to enjoy life… rest under trees, and on the sea beaches, and roam around the world.
You don’t interfere if you love; you say, “Okay, with my blessings you go. You seek and search your truth. You be whatsoever you want to be. I will not stand in your way. And I will not disturb you by my experiences — because my experiences are my experiences. You are not me. You may have come through me, but you are not me — you are not a copy of me. You are NOT to be a copy of me. You are not to imitate me. I have lived my life — you live your life. I will not burden you with my unlived experiences. I will not burden you with my unfulfilled desires. I will keep you light. And I will help you — whatsoever you want to be, be! with all my blessings and with all my help.”
Don’t try to make your child carbon copy of yours. You are enough in this world .with all negatives and positives you are unique in this world. Existence is so unique and beautiful that nothing is duplicated. If it is duplicated then it has to be the same.
Your ambition and your failed dreams are hurting your child. Don’t confuse my talk with child behaviour. I am not telling you that if he is throwing stone at neighbours house you don’t reprimand him all i am telling you is don’t shape up his thinking, don’t make him robotic replication of yours. Allow him to explore. Allow him to fail and encourage behind him to fail.
Teach child silence, Teach child how to dance, Teach child to rebel, teach child to laugh and love. Don’t teach child to follow rigid principles . Expose him to every religion and every writing of the world. let him find his roots.
The function of the parents is not how to help the children grow — they will grow without you. Your function is to support, to nourish, to help what is already growing. Don’t give directions and don’t give ideals. Don’t tell them what is right and what is wrong: let them find it by their own experience.
Only one thing you can do, and that is share your own life. Tell them that you have been conditioned by your parents, that you have lived within certain limits, according to certain ideals, and because of these limits and ideals you have missed life completely, and you don’t want to destroy your children’s life. You want them to be totally free — free of you, because to them you represent the whole past.
Love your children, enjoy their freedom. Let them commit mistakes, help them to see where they have committed a mistake. Tell them, “To commit mistakes is not wrong — commit as many mistakes as possible, because that is the way you will be learning more. But don’t commit the same mistake again and again, because that makes you stupid.”
No parents like to think of their children remaining unhappy; they want them to be happy. It is just that their thinking is wrong. They think if they become doctors, if they become professors, engineers, scientists, then they will be happy. They don’t know! They can only be happy if they become what they have come to become. They can only become the seed that they are carrying within themselves.
So help in every possible way to give freedom, to give opportunities. Ordinarily, if a child asks a mother anything, without even listening to the child, to what he is asking, the mother simply says no. “No” is an authoritative word; “yes” is not. So neither father nor mother or anybody else who is in authority wants to say yes — to any ordinary thing.
The child wants to play outside the house: “No!” The child wants to go out while it is raining and wants to dance in the rain: “No! You will get a cold.” A cold is not a cancer, but a child who has been prevented from dancing in the rain, and has never been able again to dance, has missed something great, something really beautiful. A cold would have been worthwhile — and it is not that he will necessarily have a cold. In fact the more you protect him, the more he becomes vulnerable. The more you allow him, the more he becomes immune.
Parents have to learn to say yes. In ninety-nine times when they ordinarily say no, it is for no other reason than simply to show authority. Everybody cannot become the president of the country, cannot have authority over millions of people. But everybody can become a husband, can have authority over his wife; every wife can become a mother, can have authority over the child; every child can have a teddy bear, and have authority over the teddy bear… kick him from this corner to the other corner, give him good slaps, slaps that he really wanted to give to the mother or to father. And the poor teddy bear has nobody below him.
Every child is born as a Immense potential of endless possibilities but they just lose their way.
The function of a father or a mother is great, because they are bringing a new guest into the world — who knows nothing, but who brings some potential in him. And unless his potential grows, he will remain unhappy.
Love and lots of it dear ones
suresh
Its sad how parents force kids to do what they wanted to achieve in their youth. I have seen numerous such incidents.. ” My mom wants me to get into IIT..its always been her dream that I study there..” Does the kid really want this? How many kids actually achieve things in this manner? How many of them really want it? I think kids who are brought up in this manner end up despising their parents..this is a very sad state to be in! Sincerely,
Wow,
If only I could express myself as eloquently as you on how crucial it is for children to be allowed to explore their passions without insult or ridicule. It leaves scars that can take years to heal so I applaud your effort in encouraging parents to promote free thinking and expression void of what’s come to be “expected” of our little ones. What’s more liberating than playing outside on a rainy day feeling the raindrops plopping against your skin? I’m not a child but it’s still something I love doing…..hope that never changes…………
Yet again, this mother thanks you for appreciating those important things in life that are becoming rare in today’s culture. I’m going to have to say this is your best piece, …………yet…………..again! Sending my kids over this way! Thank you!
As always,
Peace
hi, in reply to your comments on my page, thanks. And sure you can add me to your blogroll.
cheers
I had an interesting childhood, at least based on what I think is interesting.
There was little guidance ,there was destructive “guidance”, and then there was the guidance that I have no memory of in words but taught infinitely me.
And then there is the tale that is the tapestry that I am today. This Kim person. The gifts were great and some of these gifts were wrapped in black paper, granted. You find gifts in the darkness of quagmires also.
There were two pivotal moments I recognize and know to be injuries I fairly healed in. Being told at the age of 9 that I was fat. And, my father’s lost dreams to be a writer and photographer. My first camera was actually quite complex, a 35 mm all manual. I started writing when I was 11 years old out of creative necessity. And, yes, I have a good eye for photography and a sense of vision. Good meaning, I like it.
Ah, yes, we all know what comes next. Pressure to be all that and then some! For years I hated it all. I would go years without writing with moments when it was mine, not his, but I did not know that then. It took time to claim my voice and be in it. It took time to know it was mine. The gift? I know it is mine and I dream my dreams.
And, he is proud of me for me. My father never fails to tell me that.
I think my mother’s gift is even more fantastic. When I was young my mother was president of the Houston, Texas organization for (I forgot the name!) natural childbirth, or general education relating to birth. At age 8 she brought books home for me to read and I wrote book reviews for the newsletter they published. I was comfortable with birth. At the age of 14 I told my parents I had a school activity and had to stay late. It was time to learn about birth control! And why not? My mother taught me to learn, to know, to be educated.
I asked the woman to show me everything and explain it all. After we were done, I said, : “Thank you for your time. I will be back when I am ready.” I think she almost fell off her chair. That is what my mother taught me.
The thing is, she apparently did not know it. When I was 17 my father came to give me the sex talk because my mother refused. She said it would be condoning sex. I thought she had already done that since I did exist. Nonetheless, he proceeded.
Yea, I knew more than he did.
Thank you Mom for the early childhood education that taught my soul, mind, and heart to learn. That allowed me to understand your fears and thus, contradictions.
I have unique relationship with my nephew Vinnie. At the age of 5 he was taken from his home and placed with my friends in foster care. I would baby-sit. I was the only one who did not running from the house yelling, “He is a little monster!” If he threatened to bang his head into the wall, I clearly stated that it would hurt but that was his choice. He was stunned. All knew was connection, attention, through volatility.
He is now adopted.
He is now mine and I am his. At first I was the “foster aunt”. Then after discussing the soul and how people find each other he decided I was his “soul aunt”. Now, at the age of 14, I am his aunt. This is an amazing time when I could beat him silly. He is rude, obnoxious and learning to detach for his future and he is doing it the Vincent adolescent way. Oh yea. When he is an ass I just tell him: “That’s unattractive at best.”
I offer information as I know it. I am part of a parenting community where his parents and I are major players in his life. We all talk and we all love him unconditionally. And, he knows this. How to let him know what choices are is a life long journey. I tell him if he remembers one good thing I told him by the time he is 30 I will be happy. I also told him that if he identifies a wound incurred by me and wishes assistance in healing it, I will pay for the therapy.
I love loving him. I love parenting him because I get to do and choose those things that give him room to think, choose, fail, succeed, and exist. And, he has done all of them. and I get to learn about myself when I fuck up.
I think if we can show the way to dimensions, choice, self-awareness, knowledge and thinking our kids have a fighting chance.
This may teach them the gifts of the wounds we all incur from our parents, no matter who our family is. Nothing is a straight line, eh?
Thanks Suresh,
Kim
[...] About my earlier idealistic dreams, I don’t know whether just letting them all go qualifies as ‘growing up’, or ‘giving up’ There are so many possibilities… but to date they only remain possibilities. After all this, call me dogged but I still can’t help feeling there’s a fairly good chance that I’ll do still manage to do something eventually later on along these lines! But its no longer going to be a blackhole for my energy. And anyway, I hope I manage to not impose any of all this stuff on my son! [...]
Suresh,
Honestly the theory sounds so complex to me.. teaching silence etc.,
I shall come back read it again!
Smiles,
Veena
[...] Heh heh actually I hope I manage to not let any of my ambitions affect him! [...]
@veena: about teaching child silence…
[Note: I'm not trying to explain what Suresh means, I'm just sharing some incidents in my life that seems to be a bit along similar lines]
Usually when I interact with an infant I see I have this tendency that I always want him to do something. I want him to smile when I make a face, I want to do something to make him laugh, try some activity like making some noise or shaking some rattle or doll and see what his reaction is. And if he smiles I want to do more of it, if he dosent want to try something else. But if he’s just sitting still, all by himself, if he seems disinterested, then a kind of restlessness comes up sooner or later - some impulsive action like let me pick up something, let me make him say something, let me try to put him on his tummy and see if he wants to crawl, let me give him some object to grasp, try to make him play…
Of course, interaction is good for the infants, it helps them to develop. However once in a way I am able to overcome this impulsive behaviour of mine, and and just be with him quietly.
If he is quiet its ok, or even if he does something, no encouragement or reaction from me. He is wide awake, he is playful - but I just smile at him. After a while, he too becomes very still and curious, he looks straight at me as if he’s studying me… We’re just sitting there mesmerized in each other’s presence… for a long time. Suddenly he makes some sound, or he laughs and then continues in silence for some more time. These are undescribably beautiful moments.
I dont know whether I taught him silence, but I imagine that I convey he needn’t feel compelled to have to do something all of the time