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Photo copyright Suresh Gundappa 2006
If you love a person, how can you destroy his or her freedom? If you trust a person, you trust her or his freedom too.
You go n saying “I trusted my wife and she has betrayed me. I had trusted her absolutely and she has been in love with some other man. And I never came to know about it until just now! I have got hold of a few letters. So then I inquired, and then I insisted, and now she has confessed that she has been in love all the time. I will commit suicide’ .
What do you mean by trust?–some wrong notion about trust; trust also seems to be political.
You trusted her so that she would not betray you. Your trust was a trick. Now you want to make her feel guilty. This is not trust.
If I were in your place, trust would mean to me that I trust her freedom, and I trust her intelligence, and I trust her loving capacity. If she falls in love with somebody else, I trust that too. She is intelligent, she can choose. She is free, she can love. I trust her understanding.
What do you mean by trust? When you trust her intelligence, her understanding, her awareness, you trust it. And if she finds that she would like to move into love with somebody else, it is perfectly okay. Even if you feel pain, that is your problem; it is not her problem. And if you feel pain, that is not because of love, that is because of jealousy.
What kind of trust is this, that you say it has been betrayed? My understanding of trust is that it cannot be betrayed. By its very nature, by its very definition, trust cannot be betrayed. It is impossible to betray trust. If trust can be betrayed, then it is not trust. Think over it.
If I love a woman, I trust her intelligence infinitely. And, if in some moments she wants to be loving to somebody else, it is perfectly good. I have always trusted her intelligence. She must be feeling like that. She is free. She is not my other half, she is independent. And when two persons are independent individuals, only then there is love. Love can flow only between two freedoms.
I have seen couples who have lived together for thirty or forty years; still, they seem to be as immature as they were on their first day together. Still the same complaint: “She doesn’t understand what I am saying.” Forty years being together and you have not been able to figure out some way that your wife can understand exactly what you are saying, and you can understand exactly what she is saying.
But I think there is no possibility for it to happen except through meditation, because meditation gives you the qualities of silence, awareness, a patient listening, a capacity to put yourself in the other’s position.
Love and lot’s of it dear ones
Suresh
Suresh, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE you! This is so true and so incomprehensible to people. It’s as if they think there is only room for one emotion or one thought at a time in the human heart! NO! There is infinite room for infinite love without barrier. We are the ones who erect the barriers. Thanks for smashing them yet again! 🙂
Good Lord this is a beautiful blog! You are now on my list my dear…and thank you for stopping by!
Wow, powerful stuff Suresh. Very thought provoking.
To me trust is about exposing yourself, your innermost self, and knowing that you won’t be hurt. Free to do anything? Of course. But trust is the belief that she won’t hurt you. That – given the choice – she would choose to not hurt you.
Fantastic suresh!!. Absolutley true! I completley agree that “trust” in this world as your rightly pointed out is very political it is exerted on the other person only when it is exerted on you..more like a give and take. I hate those kind of relationships. It’s amazing to see how people take this trust factor so much for granted.
I guess people get hurt when the so called “trust” is broken because the reasons in which it was built was completley wrong and it gets worse if it’s built over long periods of time.
Once again I’ve become a fan of your writings mate.
Simply beautiful!
Thank you, Suresh!
As always,
where is this photo taken?
i like the post…i don’t know about the “something about wives” in the sidebar though.
Wow another stunning photo. I am partial to blue. Don’t ask me about love … I may be getting close though. 😉
I think that this is not completly realistic.
But its your opinion
Suresh,
I see that you too are gifted with Meditation & the understanding of such beauty that I find no words to appreciate, for all have been used by other Commentators. :p I liked this one too. I’ll read more of YOU!!! I’ll also put you as my BLOGROLL Link. That’s all I can DO to spread the thoughts shared by many people like me.
Love & Light
O
My relationship with trust is to trust anything I share with another unless I specify I wish it to be confidential. I am a compulsive expressive and I talk through my difficult moments in stages with friends I consider safe and non-judgmental.
First stage: Be totally, sloppily human and VENT! Second stage: sort through so that I end up back with myself understanding what my reaction teaches me.
I have run into trouble with this approach when others discovered I had discussed a moment with another, something I had to work through. I learned to let folks know who I am in this matter sooner in the relationship.
I struggle with trust. That is my major life moment right this SECOND! I struggle with trust when things happen that I find painful. I understand that my pain is mine and tells me about me. When I am in the stillness, I absolutely trust that the person I love is doing what they need to do. It is not my business. How I feel is my business.
After years of struggle, I recognize that aspects of me need to be better known. What truly gets my attention is how in the stillness I am fine. When I find myself detached from that, watch out baby!
Thank you Suresh.
Dear Suresh, I can share with you one small thing that I’ve never told anyone before as I still sort of value the certificate of sanity that I get from society 🙂 I told my wife before I got married… that she is free to leave me anytime she wants. I want her to always be able to live without me. She surprised me by saying the same to me as well. Luckily so far for the past 9 months I’m still priviledge that she has decided to continue to live with me – and I greatly value every moment I spend with her! Its been only 10 months since we ever met, yet we are like childhood friends 🙂 I’m very happy to read your post, it kind of clarifies my own thoughts. Find it reassuring and helps me trust her better. Thank you.
wow absulutely wow!!! And im beginning to love you, sepecially your writings.
It was a beutifull blog, have never seen betrayal(shldnt say this word after reading this forum)from such a dimension, truly a new meaning to TRUST…Byut God save these men lol
This is obviously a womans perspective on the subject of trust..which is fine.. I think it lacks the depth of personal experience. Trust has to be built based on actions.. If my girlfriends actions tell me she might be fooling around…well then I need to guard my heart and back away until the issue has been fully inspected and resolved either with a breakup or maybe some explanation. Blind trust is foolish..if you really trust me then mail me 10 grand..I promise you I won’t spend it…lol…don’t quit your day job..I don’t think relationship couseling is your area of expertise…
Oh and by the way..all the arab and indian meditation shit is retarded and can’t be applied at all to relationships especially when most of the guys beat the shit out of their wives…grow up..put down the yogi book..grow a pair and get into a real relationship and you find it isn’t as easy as..oh I’ll just trust her.
This is BS, Suresh. You have just encouraged women to be whores. Congratulations. TRUST is one of the essence matters in man-woman relationship. It is not a joke. People are not some garbage to be treated as one. And this is about man who is betrayed. HE is betrayed because he trusted HER and she left him. He expected good, he was to giving the whole himself to her and she gave him what. Love is NOT just love as God loves us. That is not only a matter of souls but of the bodies also. While we are alive soul and body are bonded. So love between man and woman means a connection of both, souls and bodies. If you TRUST someone, you don’t expect to be broken heart by that one. That feeling of infinite sorrow and emptyness. LIFE IS N O T A GAME. People are not toys. Women should be smart and not wander until they become empty buckets. And that woman that did this to that man has all her needs placed between her legs. TRUST ME. I know that Suresh will beat me by 10^5:1. But that 1 is gold and those 10^5 are mudd.
Thank you. This was very helpful.
dude,i agree with u when u say “trust her freedom”.. but i wud also say one thing giving an example.. suppose, u (being a male) are in a relationship with a girl.U trust her as well as her freedom..so u allow her to go werever she wants and u wont even mind if she does not inform u before going coz u TRUST her. BUT why is this trust?? i mean.. trusting her on what?? trust her with what?? answer is-U trust her that she wudnt cheat u.She is free to roam around and have fun with guyz or whoever she wants,but at the end of the day..She loves U and only U..dude.. u trust her for ur love.U trust her that she wont break ur heart no matter what.u trust her that she would not leave u..She wont hurt u. .. .. and suppose if she leaves u for another smart,good looking hunk; even though u keep ignoring those sexy babes roaming around u just becoz u dont wana break her trust.What then dude?? then u definately have no option but to say that she betrayed ur trust..( which she definately did by doing this! ).. DEFINATELY,WHEN THERE IS TRUST, THERE IS NO ROOM FOR ANY SPYING OR SPECULATIONS.. BUT THIS DOES NOT MEAN UR PARTNER CAN BREAK UR TRUST BY DOING WHATEVER THEY WANT!!… but yet a good post dear 🙂 cheers !!
I understand the idealism Suresh puts forth in the argument that trust cannot be betrayed; but people and relations are betrayed in real situations,not ideals. A person finding love with another than what they committed to previously may not be false to themselves but they do betray their relationship and commitment. There is no fault to a person feeling pain of their loss. There is no ideal glory to the committed individual who finally realizes things in themselves they were previously ignorant of, and move on. That ignorant person betrays their commitment by indulging the new path. The person on the other side of that coin IS betrayed, their trust was made false by the betrayer and their own inability to be omniscient. A person awakening a new avenue or path in their life is not exonerated from the fact that they do betray what had existed before. The fact is that they are really non contemplating douche-bags hurting others in the wake of their life for loving the person they knew. The other option is intentional deceit, which is a lie from the start and a hurt individual ill-placed their faith;again through their inability to be omniscient.
So what you should say is I trust that you will do everything in your power to make my life totally miserable and I will be ok with it. I am sorry I feel that life is a two way street give and take. What you have described is totally insane. Though provoking to the point of getting me ill to my stomach. You have expressed your opinion and now I have expressed mine. What you have stated here is have your cake and eat it to. I choose the real life situation I trust no one but myself. If you want trust go cry to your momma.
Yeah sorry, this is total insanity. It is also blaming the victim. The person’s SO in your example? She Lied. She fell in love with someone else and didn’t tell him about it. That’s not being worthy of trust.
Trust is not a right, it’s a privilege that has to be earned by someone. If she had come to that person right away and said “I am in love with someone else.” and then allowed him to make his own decision with that information, that would be one thing. She didn’t. She lied to him and kept secrets from him. She wanted it both ways. She was selfish, and you’re a fool for thinking HE’ is the one with the problem.
trusting someone who is not trustyworthy is stupid. no big ideals in it really. just pure stupidness.
“And if she finds that she would like to move into love with somebody else, it is perfectly okay. Even if you feel pain, that is your problem”.
As they say on the internet, WOW. Just WOW.
So much for vows of “til death do us part”.
Suresh, if you go through life with this attitude, you are going to live your life as an eternal doormat under a stampede of fickle women.
Women want and need men – TO BE MEN. To guide, to set boundaries and define deal-breakers. Ask a woman to run a relationship and she will run it into the ground and run off with the tennis instructor.
Wow what a pathetic beta chump this guy is. Do whatever you want? Sleep with whoever you want whenever you want? Really? What a recipe for a slutty disaster! In that case why bother getting married or even having a girfriend? And to all you slutty girls cheering this loser on, you’re just exposing yourselves for the real whores that you actually are.
Well i do think a lady should really have the independence she desire after all she is not yet your better half but then, how i really do wish all ladies could get to understand that for everytime they go to bed with a man they get ten times oldder.
Well i do think a lady should really have the independence she desire after all she is not yet your better half but then, how i really do wish all ladies could get to understand that for everytime they go to bed with a man they get ten times oldder.
By Adamz Emmanuel Ebekwu